May 16, 2005

Missed Opportunities, Second Chances & More

I should be trying to get some sleep, really I should be in bed. I say this several times a week and inevitably I stay up longer and later. I like the evenings because there is something magical, mystical and special about the night.

The dark has such potential, it is like raw clay that can be molded and shaped into something good or something bad. I am not a small man, I am broad and in general as strong or stronger than most men I meet. Just genetics working in my favor, we all get a few perks, although I wouldn't have been upset if I had Michael Jordan's talent too.

But the point of the jingle jangle ramble about the dark is that even at 36 I still feel pangs of fear in the dark. It is not consistent and it doesn't happen every time, but it still scares me. There are times in which my heart begins to race and I fight the urge to flee. And believe me there are times in which it is incredibly strong, when I just want to start running for I do not know where.

The thing that strikes me about this is that there have been times when I have walked alone through wooded areas with nothing more than the soft moonlight as my companion. In part I did it to try and conquer my fear and in part because there is a piece of me that is always alone and I feel a certain attraction to that large orb in the sky. There is a place in which I feel like I am standing on the outside looking in, I can see the door, but I can't quite get to it. Don't know if it is because I choose not to or am unable to, I just know that this is how I feel from time to time.

Maybe I am crazy, because there are moments in which the feelings of being on the outside couldn't feel more foreign to me, or maybe we all feel this way. Truth be told outside of this blog I am not sure that I have ever spent any time exploring this side.

Sometimes I look at my life and I see nothing but open highway full of opportunity and a bright future and sometimes I see nothing but opportunities that have passed me by. Sometimes I feel like life is like riding a moving sidewalk that offers multiple stops, but it is a linear transport so if you miss your exit you haven't the ability to jump off and run back. You are stuck wherever you are and that is where you are.

And then I think that this cannot be the way that it is, that we cannot be forced to accept everything and that we have complete control to grab our life in our hands and change our destiny. But it feels so hard and so tough to try and do it. It is like trying to grab a handful of water, you squeeze it tight but it still leaks out around your hands. Try as you might you cannot quite get it all so you have to hope that you catch enough to serve your purpose.

Live with me and ride a whirlwind. Stay with me and ride the storm, search for the eye, for that oasis that provides safety and sustenance if you can. Not everyone is willing or able. I don't let people in very easily, I am a book that you can read but the text is written in a thousand languages.

I keep hearing Mick singing Visions of Paradise.


No comments: