March 08, 2005

What Women Want

I receive copious amounts of spam, just enormous, ridiculous amounts of the stuff. The way I figure it if I got paid a penny for each piece of spam I receive a day it would work out to be around $46 bucks a month or so.

Over the course of the year it would be a decent chunk of change. And if I invested it well and let it grow in time I could use this Spam Machine to fund many things for me, to really improve my life. See how I think, the evil Spam people have influenced my thoughts and have me thinking about all sorts of wacky things.

I have kind of a twisted sense of humor and it is not unusual for me to respond to spam the way I respond to telemarketers. Sometimes I'll even try and sell a product I see in the spam I receive to one of the telemarketers that call me at home.

The other night I received a message in which the subject line promised to teach me what women want. I thought to myself, what a nifty idea, every man needs this. I don't know what the product is, but if it can teach men to understand women it must be important.

Concurrently the telephone rang and John from Chase was on the phone. He offered to provide me with a new credit card that had 0% interest until May of 2006. I told John that this was such a good offer I wanted to give him something in return.

He in turn said that wasn't necessary, but I insisted that he hear me out.

John: "Mr. Jack, I appreciate your offer, but that really isn't necessary."
Me: "John, it really is. You had the decency to call me during my dinner to offer me this valuable credit card and I must reciprocate."

John: "Mr. Jack, this is just my job, it really is ok."
Me: "No John, it really isn't. Let me help you. How would you like to learn what women want."

John: A chuckle, followed by "Don't we all want to know those answers."
Me: "John, I have the answer."

John: "Mr. Jack, I'd be curious to learn more about how you got this answer."
Me: "John, that is not the right attitude. The answer should be that you would like to learn what women want and I can help you. Do you have a girlfriend?"

John: "Mr. Jack, that is a personal question."
Me: "John, are you trying to tell me that calling my home and asking me if I want a credit card is not personal. Is that the professionalism that they teach you there."

John: "Mr. Jack, I apologize, my girlfriend just left me. But I really should be speaking with you about our card and all of the benefits it offers."
Me: "John, where did she go? Dinner, movie, out with some friends."

John: "Mr. Jack, she left me, dumped me for someone else."
Me: "See John, you need me."

John: "Mr. Jack, I don't think that you get it. I..."
Me: "John, sorry to interrupt, but I just want to help you. My dinner is getting cold and you just keep talking away about nonsense. Who cares about credit cards at a time like this."

John: "Mr. Jack, I know what women want, at least I know what she wants."
Me: "Oh?"

John: "Mr. Jack, she wants my sister and she got her."
Me: Silence......I think to myself is he putting me on. "Your sister, she must look like you." Not sure why I said that.

John: "What! Did you just say that she must look like me? What the hell is wrong with you. Are you an idiot. Go to hell!"
Me: "Does this mean that I can't get the credit card?"

Click followed by a dial tone. I never did get that card and I never did open that email. So if you know what it said I'd be obliged if you could share that information with me. It certainly couldn't hurt.

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