January 26, 2005

The Burning Anger

Passion, a passion for life. There is a constant fire that burns in my belly. I sometimes think that the source of all my stomach troubles is the fire that burns just beneath the surface of my skin. There is molten lava there, a forge that can be used to create and to destroy.

It sounds goofy and dramatic, but I think in very graphic terms. When I imagine things I almost always visualize my doing them. Call it what you will, a bit Walter Mittyish, but the imagination and the fire are one and the same.

I have spent 35 years teaching myself how to best harness that fire, how to use it to motivate myself, how to use it to push myself that extra step. In athletics it is the fire that made me a teammate that people wanted on their team. If I took the competition seriously you were going to get a fierce competitor. It shows itself now on the basketball court.

I love to rebound, I love the battle. It is a test of wills. Anyone can score, but it takes a warrior to rebound. I love to do the dirty work, to get in there under the basket and take the ball away from everyone else. I revel in hearing other players ask me how I got the ball. I realized a while ago that there is a limited time in which my body will respond. The knight can only mount the charger so many times before his mount and or body fail him.

The time will come when I cannot play the way I love to. I already feel the changes. The day after a game my feet hurt, my back aches and I find bruises on my arms and legs that seemingly have appeared from no where, I haven't any idea how they got there. I used to be able to play this way everyday, then I had to cut it down to four consecutive days a week and then three.

Actually I can still do it four days a week, but responsibilities around the house and with the children prevent me. I am fighting time. One day I may audioblog when I feel the fire, when I belt out a blue streak, when you hear me tell time to go fuck itself with enough venom to kill an ox.

The hard part about this passion is that it is not relegated to one aspect of my persona. I can have an explosive temper, or so people say. They have expressed surprise with the strength and vehemence of it. I like to storm around, throw things, bellow, yell and paw the ground. I am a Taurus what can I say.

The problem lies in people not recognizing the warning signs, misunderstanding that my playful good natured side goes away and the horns come out. And once I am angry with you it takes me some time to calm down.

I have a very thick skin and it takes a lot to get me to this point. When I am this angry I typically try to stay away from people to gain a little perspective so that I can speak calmly because I can verbally eviscerate you. There have been those who have continued to seek my attention, who have ignored my pleas to give me time and they have been skewered.

In truth, the people who usually bring this out in me have been those I love and care about the most because no one else gets in deep enough to get this kind of reaction from me. A good test of my love is to see if I stay angry. If you piss me off like this and I remain angry there is a problem.

But I am rambling and I don't like the path I am on, too much testosterone and not enough reason. Sometimes life is just frustrating and unfair. Today is one of those days I am thankful for my blog, it is a safe way to vent. The blog listens, it doesn't judge me, it allows me to speak without cutting me off and questioning me incessantly. It listens and is a calming presence.

That fire is burning, it is my own internal ner tamid, but that is just part of who I am. Without it I would be more lost than I normally am. Life is just a journey, a train ride of choices, a question of paths to take. I feel silly now, but a little more relaxed, not much but a little, enough that I will be able to sleep tonight and for that I am thankful.

1 comment:

The Lioness said...

I liked this. I liked it a lot.