Some things stick with you

Some things stick with you, memories of past triumphs and sorrows never completely disappear. They wax and wane like the full moon.

Sometimes they are bright, vivid and lifelike and it is like time has stood still and then they disappear so thoroughly it seems like they were never quite there. You chase after them like that amazing dream you just woke up from, desperately trying to relive the feelings you had, but never quite getting it.

Maybe it is just me, maybe I spend too much time lost in the darker recesses of my mind. I can't help it and I am not sure that I want to. I kind of enjoy revisiting it all, they are like old friends that whisper secrets to me. And sometimes I really do find that I learn something new, see something that I had missed or just had been unwilling to accept.

Don't get me wrong, I don't harp on the negatives and I don't clothe myself in the finery of past success. But I would be lying if I said that I didn't enjoy looking backwards and forwards. I learned a long time ago that when stress hits really hard I dive into either area and just bury myself there, coming up for air periodically.

I gather myself and prepare for the confrontation that must come, the challenge will be met head on, I don't know any other way. The hard part sometimes is making me do so in a timely fashion, sometimes I hesitate and avoid it. But I never completely duck it. Sooner or later I will hit it and hit it hard.

Finesse is not something that comes easily. My natural inclination is to approach the problem the way a bull approaches the matador. I take a hard look at the target, lower my head and charge into it looking to batter it into submission. Why knock on the door when you can just tear it off of the hinges.

One of the gifts of age has been an increased ability to look at the challenges I face and develop alternatives to the old "search and destroy" I used to employ. Now I usually remember to try the door knob, if it is open why waste energy kicking it down. If it is locked I look for an alternate entry, is there another door, open window or skylight that I can use to gain entry.

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