It is another Friday night and I am back at the computer again. Back because I have work to do, stories to write, bills to pay, and a million other things that require my attention. Back because I can't rest or relax. Back because sometimes this is how I relax.
I sit down at the keyboard and start typing out my thoughts, feelings and ideas about whatever tickles my fancy. And so I am back here mulling over the end of another week and the realization that 2010 is just about over. It is hard to believe that the year has come and gone with the kind of speed that this one has passed through.
If you look back at the beginning of the year you'll see that I shared two thoughts/themes for the year. 2010 was supposed to be the year of Jack and the year of the daddy blogger. I called it the year of Jack in response to 2009. I called it the year of Jack because 2009 was the easily among the worst years of my life. If life mirrored bad sitcoms than 2009 ranks right up there. I turned 40 and found myself mired in hell, trying to figure out how to keep from going under.
Sometimes when I look back I wonder how it is that I kept things going. I shake my head and think that it must be a combination of being stubborn and stupid. Too stupid and or too stubborn to give up I kept on pushing forward. Kept on walking when it felt like I was getting my ass kicked and there was nothing that I could do but take a beating. Kept on walking when my nature told me to turn around and give as good as I got- but the thing was that there wasn't anyone to fight. It wasn't one thing or a person. It was a million little cuts and I was one of a million who was getting battered.
So here I am at the tail end of 2010 and I can say that things improved. I can say that in some areas I made exceptional progress and for that I am grateful. Still, there have been some very dark moments and I know that I am not quite through it all yet. I suspect that I am going to be required to pour gasoline over my head and jump back in the fire.
It sounds ridiculous and feels stupid to write those words but that is what it feels like. How absurd is it that I have to engage in some stupid fraternity initiation in order to get beyond the challenges. Yet this isn't a fraternity, club or gang that I am pledging. This is just life and I can't get around some of these things. It is not for lack of effort, plans or careful strategy. Sometimes the only way to get beyond the minefield is to walk through it.
If that is what it takes to push ahead and forge a new future than so be it. But let's be clear, I wouldn't bet against me. Wouldn't bet against me because I am a father and fathers do what they must, Wouldn't bet against me because I am still just as stubborn and stupid as before. Wouldn't bet against me because I can see the shore and experience has taught me that success is predicated on being able to sustain your effort and that I can do.
I can persevere and I can sustain. Though it is challenging and at times painful I have done it and will continue to do so. So perhaps 2010 hasn't been everything that I would like it to be, but there is nothing saying that I can't hit 2011 like a demon. Nor is there anything that says that 2011 can't be what I hoped 2010 would be.