November 27, 2010

What I Meant To Say

Sometimes the echoes of our past haunt the halls of our present. The simple tasks that I am required to attend to seem to require an extra step and the routine events are not quite routine. A superstitious man would say that strange things are afoot or wonder aloud if the universe was trying to send me a message. But I am not that superstitious man, at least not today. For today I am convinced that whatever happens is nothing more than simple coincidence.

There is a logical explanation for all of these things and if not than it is nothing more than simple coincidence. I say these things because that is what I want to believe. I don't want to be asked to try to decipher hidden messages or to engage in deep philosophical thought about the meaning of life. I want it to be handed to me in plain detail with instructions that cannot be misunderstood.

There are rules and laws that I wish to follow. Laws of math and science that I can depend upon to be consistent are my friend and my ally. I seek their embrace because I do not wish to live in a world where they do not provide the structure and foundation of my life.

Yet I find myself being forced to question whether I have chosen the right path. Things happen and my faith is shaken and I find reason to question my position. Things happen and I wonder if maybe the better path is to say that I am an agnostic. Things happen and I think that maybe I must admit that there is something going on that is beyond my sphere of understanding, that maybe there is something more.

I don't like it. I don't want it because to accept it is to give up a piece of control over my life and I don't want to do that. I have little enough as it is and it is unacceptable to consider giving up any more than I already have. Of course if I could prove that there was something more that would be different. If I could apply some mathematical theorem or scientific formula I would feel far more comfortable.  Of course I could walk into a house of worship on Mainstreet USA and meet with clergy who would assure me that there is no reason not to believe.

They would have reasons and structure for me to follow. I wouldn't be the first to question their words so they would have answers to the pressing questions of my life. They could tell me where the great love of my life Ann Stacey has disappeared to. She who climbed into a covent tree with me has moved on to places and parts unknown. Or alternatively I could consult the mighty oracle of Facebook and see if maybe she has ended up there.

It is only 20+ years since our high school days so really, how hard could it be for the mighty oracle to locate her or someone who knows what happened to her. I can't help but wonder whatever happened to her and I suspect that she might be surprised by what has happened to me.

She told me many years ago many things about myself and suggested that I was being foolish not to listen to her advice. Hard to believe, but she was right about many things. Perhaps it is ego, but part of my interest in speaking with her is because I suspect that I was right about her too. I know things. I knew things then and I know them now.

But that places us back at the start. We have come almost full circle for the things I know aren't based upon science or reason or fact. At least they aren't based upon the standard ways. Yet I know without a doubt that were I to kiss dear old Ann Stacey her heart would melt and she would lose herself again in my arms and eyes.

So I wonder about this information and whether there is a point or a purpose to  it. I ask the universe why it would make this evident and whether it has intentions. Intentions of what and with whom I might add. As the poets say we started a story whose end must now wait, but for how long. Is it destined to be somewhere down the road or not at all.

See, this is why I don't like these signs but they are unclear and I seek clarity. I want to see beyond the haze into the valley below. I want to gaze out upon a verdant land and know what lies before me. There is much to do and many reasons why it must be done.

But who knows what will happen or if I will ever have the chance to say what I meant to say.

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