October 11, 2010

That Part of My Life is Over

I choose to live my dreams and not dream my life away. It is an active conscious choice that I made a while ago. Not unlike a scene from a book or a movie I woke up and decided that I have had enough of the status quo. I am no longer satisfied with treading water and running in place on a treadmill. I explored all of the nooks and crannies, climbed the hills and roamed through the valleys and figured out that I can go no farther.

That part of my life is over.

A time that was filled with so many changes, much growth, happiness and periods of sadness. There was frustration and there was joy. The tears were tempered with laughter. I look back and see a boy waving at me. He is shouting but just what it is that he says I cannot make out. I can't just walk away from him without trying to understand what message he has to share with me- so I stop and turn off all of the outside noise.

I rid myself of all that can distract me but I still can't hear his words. He looks disappointed and I understand because that boy is me- or at least who I once was. Now decades later I look in the mirror and see a face that holds hints of the boy. His eyes light up when he is excited and energy radiates from him. But there are lines in his face, circles beneath his eyes and a perpetual five-o'clock shadow.

This reflection isn't what I want to see because the man in the mirror isn't doing what he is meant to be doing or living the life he wants to live. Some dreams have been let go of because he thought that it was the responsible thing to do. Some dreams have been put on hold because it was the responsible thing to do.

That boy's disappointment probably stems from the man's refusal to get off the carousel he has been on.  When you are down the carousel will lift you back up, but the boy understands that it is false hope because all do is travel in a circle covering ground that you have already seen.

A carousel doesn't provide with room or opportunity to plant seeds. The scenery rarely changes if ever and when it does it is because of random events also known as luck. The mythical brass ring doesn't hang from the ceiling on this ride and even if it did the boy/man doesn't want that. Brass is too easily tarnished. He wants to be more like George Bailey and wants to grab the moon.

Life isn't bad. It is certainly not as easy as I'd like, but it is not bad. But not bad isn't good enough. I need more and I am doing all that I can to make that happen. I can't stay stationary like I have been any longer. Can't pretend that this is working because it is not. So I am going to shake it up again, push harder and do somethings differently.

Things are going to change because that part of my life is over.

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