September 17, 2010

Words And Music

Thoughts, ideas, words and images wrestle for top billing inside my head. Sadness, anger and frustration are involved in a duel with hope, joy and happy memories. I had thought about saying that the former were involved in a death match with the latter but it just doesn't work. Doesn't work because it is a bit more melodramatic than I want and because it simply isn't real.

Thinking, feeling and thoughtful humans will never reach a place where they can hide from darkness and that is ok. It is not that I am a fan of sadness and disappointment but rather because they help us understand joy. They help to bring balance and appreciation to our lives and while I will always wish for more joy than sadness I won't cry if it it doesn't happen.

Woman, if you'd pull your damn head out of the mud and much you might be surprised at what you see and what you hear. I did the best that I could to turn off my mind so that I could float along the sea inside my head. Did it because it long ago became apparent that the smartest thing I could do was be with myself and work on me. Not because I am broken, damaged or angry. I am all of those things and none of them.

What I needed was time to clean the junk out of my head and clear the cobwebs from the corners of my mind and I did a pretty damn good job of it. Had to fix things so that damn internal GPS of mine could do the right thing and start following the right path.
"Be very careful if you make a woman cry because G-d counts her tears. Every tear a woman shed is equivalent of a man’s sacrifices in life. The woman came from a man’s rib — not on his feet to be stepped on; not on his head to be superior, but on his side to be equal; under his arms to... be protected and near his heart to be loved.” 

You know that I believe this. You know that even though I have had moments where I fell short that I lived it. I am guilty of many things. Done more than my share of good and bad. Been smart, been foolish, been lonely and afraid. But have also been brave and daring. Been the hero, not just any hero but your hero. Whenever there was a challenge I rode out to meet it. When you let me help I was always there at your side to fight whatever battles needed to be fought. When you needed hand holding my hand held yours and when you needed a shoulder to cry upon that was there for you too.

I don't need to provide a laundry list of reasons for or against. Don't need to share a resume because you KNOW what I say is true. You KNOW these things for the same goddamn reasons I do. So when it was appropriate I begged and groveled for your forgiveness. I bared my soul and my neck for you as I have done for no other.

So when you see fire in my eyes and feel the heat emanating from me remember the how and why. Remember that when I said I would burn and ache for you I did it without reservation. Might have taken me a little time to get there, but I did.

Been reading those quotes from Walk the Line. They still make me smile because they are more than a little bit familiar to us. Read 'em again woman and tell me that they don't do the same to you. 

We have words and we have music. And it is about time that you admit that we have something more.

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