August 23, 2010

Sauna Etiquette

Consider this an open letter to anyone who uses a public sauna. Specifically it is directed to the half naked man on my right.

Dear naked dude: I appreciate your need to stretch inside the sauna, one doesn't want to be injured during exercise. After all if the point is to exercise your way to better health the last thing you want to do is injure yourself.

So I have no issue with your stretching. In fact that six pack I am forced to see has created a sense of longing for the one that I used to have. Maybe today I'll start a diet, but that's not the point of this post.

Rather I want to point out that I am not interested in watching you jam out on your air guitar. Not only do you look ridiculous you have begun to infringe upon my personal space as well as the towel dude that is also sharing this space.

As for you towel dude, well I have a few words. I understand that you're concerned with the actions of our wannabe guitar hero. The air guitar boy looks like he is undergoing a cross between orgasm and seizure. Had he a modicum of courtesy we wouldn't be privy to what should be a private, intimate moment between him and his iPod.

But he doesn't and now you are also engaging in some kind of wild, stretching. This would be ok but you are half standing in front of me and I am being given a view that is unpleasant. I am not here to stare at your ass or to be horrified by the swinging sack.

I want to look away, but it is like a trainwreck and I am locked on like a freaking tractor beam. So I am squeezing my eyes shut and waiting for you to move.

My own movement would be welcomed about now. Really, I should just vacate the area before a flash mob enters for an impromptu Hokey-Pokey. God only knows what could happen if I put my right foot in and shook it all about.

But I just developed the perfect sweat and I am not quite ready to move. In a moment I'll stand up so that I can stretch. The free weights are calling out to me.

In a moment I won't be able to resist their siren song any longer. I just pray that I will be able to find my way their unobstructed by you guys.

So dear towel dude keep pretending you're at the club and bob that head back and forth- you're gonna go far.

And last but not least, I'll miss you most of all air guitar boy. Ozzy is looking for a new Randy Rhodes and you just might be him.

End
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Posted via email from thejackb's posterous

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