July 19, 2010

Some Days I Feel Broken

Some days I feel like I am broken. I am a giant Lego set that some child put together with a lot of love but not as much skill as one might like. The pieces don't always match or work quite like we want them to and so consequently I feel like I am broken.

It is not easy to write those words. I am not sure if it is because my ego doesn't like it or if I am worried that I might believe it to be true. It just might be that some times I fear to admit that I am afraid of failing. Or maybe it is that I am most afraid of failing those I care most about. Maybe it is that I worry that somehow I'll stumble and fall face first into some deep, dank and dark hole.

One slip and I'll tumble over the side headfirst sliding down a hill at breakneck speed, ass-over-elbow fighting to stop myself but not quite able to ever grab on to something that can hold me.  And the crazy thing is that I when I imagine this, when the picture forms within my mind I am not really afraid of dying. That fall won't kill me, that is not my fate. I can't tell you why or how just that I know that I survive because that is what I do.

And then in anger I charge into the darker recesses of my mind and seek the things that lie beneath the surface. There in the dungeon I look for the demons and attempt to slay the dragon. I turn on some music to set the tone, take a deep breath and set off for parts unknown.

"And it's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been a while since I first saw you
And it's been a while since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been a while since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

It's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been a while since I can say I love myself as well and
And it's been a while since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been a while but all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day

And it's been a while
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been a while since I said I'm sorry
And it's been a while since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been a while but I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been a while since I said I'm sorry"
It's Been A While- Staind


I am alone in the dark. I don't take companions along on this trip and it wouldn't matter if I could. You can't go where I am going nor can you see what I see. All you can do is go live your life. Your touch and your words can't fix this and I won't allow you to try.

I can't stand it. Can't be emotionally vulnerable in front of you. Can't be naked- not now. Too busy chasing after the will-of-the-wisp. We caught lightning in a bottle once. We shared something special, meaningful, incredible and important. And that is why I won't let you see me now.

This moment, this feeling I have inside me won't let go but it won't last forever either. I have to do this. Have to plumb the depths and find the way to smooth the rough edges. Until I do that I won't be able to rest nor give you what you ask for.

So I am closing down the shop for a bit and hoping that you understand. The dreams of the past can meet the echoes of the future but only if I deal with the reality of today.

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