July 02, 2010

Don't Mess with The Uni-Blogger

If you know what is good for you, if you value the parts of your body and want them to remain in pristine condition you will be careful around The Uni-Blogger. Cue evil maniacal laughter. Yes, I Jack, am the Uni-Blogger.

The new moniker was derived from an innocuous comment made over here and has quickly become my nom de plume or at least it might. It kind of depends on whether I am able to secure my evil hideaway, every villain needs a good lair from which to operate and I am no different.

Unfortunately I am a bit tight for cash these days so I need to knock over a bank or two or find a benefactor. You know, someone who has a lot of cash but is missing my giant brain and enormous intellect. In this crazy mixed up world they will approach me with an offer to finance my next diabolical scheme. They'll send some goon to pick me up in a fancy car which will take me to some obscure location where Daddy Warbucks will offer to help me find the resources to turn transform this aforementioned diabolical plan into reality.

I'll sit there pretending to be impressed by his money and power but secretly will hold him in contempt for having such sad and pedestrian dreams. Hah, he is not even close to being in my league.Not only am I far smarter than he is, I am an expert in seven different martial arts and an expert in chemical warfare.

So while I sit there pretending I'll mull over whether a demonstration of my prowess is needed. That musclebound fool who drove me here might learn to his chagrin that it wasn't smart to put his hand on my shoulder. I don't like being touched by people of his ilk and as his boss will find out I don't suffer fools.

Cue maniacal laughter again.

I am The Uni-Blogger and given time the world will come to both fear and love me. Those who abide by my rules will see that I am a benevolent dictator and those who don't will face the consequences of their actions. With an iron fist and exceptional determination I will bend them all to my will.

Can you see me smiling. Can you feel the animal magnetism radiating off of me. Women will fling themselves at my feet, children will hide and men will tremble. And it is all because of my destiny. I was born for greatness, really it is true. It was foretold that a man would rise and that he would be something more than he seemed.

I, The Uni-Blogger am that man. Three parts crazy, two parts sane and six tenths neurotic I am here because fate has declared this to be my time.

Or so it may come to pass, provided that I find that secret lair. What good is a villain without a hideaway, especially one who fears that he'll be forced to purchase a used lair somewhere near the burning river in the Akron-cleveland area. Once LeBron leaves the light truly will go out in that city and the residents won't notice that something special is happening there. Perhaps I shall call it Coventry House.

Or even worse I'll be forced to start my reign of terror from a tiny shack in the mountains. A little rundown, ramshackle hovel that has no electricity or running water but sort of a homelike feel. There next to stream I used to bathe and drink from I shall start writing my manifesto. Ten gazillion words about how much better life would be if people followed my rules.

I can't help but wonder thought, will people think less of The Uni-Blogger if he has a unibrow. Must I be concerned with the fine art of manscapery. That just doesn't seem right or fair. I suppose that I'll have to start my first manifesto proclaiming and extolling the virtues of hair on men.

Long live The Uni-Blogger- protector of all that is good and hairy.

No comments: