May 14, 2010

Somebody To Love

I wake up and look around the room. A new day, a new dawn has broken and I truly am excited about it. Optimistic and ready for something new I grab a cup of coffee and start to work. But as time goes by the mundane routine becomes more of a grind and my mind wanders.

Staring at the computer armoire I begin to identify all of the pieces that have gone into its construction. I think about craftmanship and wonder how much of it is the product of automation and how much influence human hands had upon it. How many machinists were involved in its creation. Were all of its parts created in a single factory?

The more probable explanation is that parts were sourced from a variety of places. In theory if we could deconstruct it this one piece of furniture might have 100 pieces and those 100 pieces could come from 100 places. One hundred different places could mean that 100 different sales people from 100 different cities could have been a part of its creation.

It is kind of fun thinking about the numbers and the idea that my computer armoire helped untold numbers of people earn enough to feed their families. Not to mention the thought that the parts could have come from exotic lands far away from here.

Or maybe it is the product of numerous sweatshops and I have helped fund a child labor ring. Yep, now there is a happy thought for you. In the midst of my mental meanderings your picture rises and I find myself thinking about you. Unsought and unlooked for you just showed up in my life.

Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Somebody to Love- Queen

Really, it is a source of never ending amazement to me- your appearance that is. One day you weren't even a thought or an inkling of a thought. A complete unknown to me it never occurred that someone could just walk into my life and have such a profound impact upon it.

It didn't happen overnight, this realization that something was different. But all things considered it happened quite quickly. You went from being someone who didn't exist to being part of my existence. It was like someone took a match and set my soul on fire. Unanswered prayers that I had been unaware of uttering were suddenly answered.

But because I can be a stubborn skeptic I refused to let myself completely believe in you and in us. For a while it was safer to drag my feet because in the dark places that lie inside I feared letting go. Feared what could happen if I truly let you in and gave you myself.

Still you persisted and stuck around and each day I felt more joy in your presence. Moments in time were shared in which I felt happier and more in love than I had believed to be possible. A simple kiss and a smile disarmed me.

I was yours and you were mine. Happier words have never been spoken.

Cue thunder and lightning. Watch the storm clouds roll in as the darkness sucks out the light. Things happen and we are forced apart. Accusations, recriminations and awful moments are shared. Promises are made and broken. Fear, anxiety and insecurity plague us and we find ourselves living in two separate worlds.

"I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone"
Boulevard of Broken Dreams- Green Day

Much time has passed and your focus  is elsewhere. You are doing what you think is right and you're confident that it is what you have to do. Confusion and anger sweep through me. I was slower to get to that island we shared. Slower to believe in that thing you knew was true and so you left, leaving me to try and figure out..."what now."

What now? Endless questions about whether I believed in the idea of soul mates or in the idea of the love of your life. And if I accepted those things to be more than the work of fiction writers then what should I do and how should I act. Endless questions about the appropriate response to it all.

I felt like I was lost in a maze of mirrors and one way streets. There weren't any maps that I could rely upon nor trail markers to be followed. Sometimes infinite options can be viewed as a lack of choices. I know it sounds contradictory, but you can be paralyzed by it. Become mesmerized by the glow and glitter of that which lies before you.

But I swore not to allow that to happen to me and set off down a path that I hoped would lead to you. If I reached a dead end I'd swear and turn around cursing my poor fortune the whole way back, wondering if I'd ever find a way.

Eventually fortune turned and the fickle fates granted me a respite from their punishment and I found you again. But you were in a different time and place than before. Unwilling or unable to do more than yell at me through the window you encouraged me to start walking away.

Nonplussed and angry by your rejection I arched my back and glared at you. Stood there silent and unyielding unwilling to show you the heartbreak that lay beneath the surface. Walking away I muttered to myself something about your having a cranial rectum problem and kept going.

For a time the anger carried me off into the future and away from the echoes of the past. But it didn't matter because there were always things to pull me back. Little reminders of those moments in time, fragments of thoughts and the uncanny feeling that you were close to me.

I fought them. Stuffed them down, stared at myself in the mirror and swore at myself. But it didn't matter. I couldn't forget. And though I was hurt and angry I began to relax and think about it. Began to wonder if the magic hadn't left but just gotten covered in dust and muck.

"If you believe in the power of magic,
I can change your mind
And if you need to believe in someone,
Turn and look behind
When we were living in a dream world,
Clouds got in the way
We gave it up in a moment of madness
And threw it all away

Don't answer me, don't break the silence
Don't let me win
Don't answer me, stay on your island
Don't let me in

Run away and hide from everyone
Can you change the things we've said and done?

If you believe in the power of magic,
It's all a fantasy
So if you need to believe in someone
Just pretend it's me
It ain't enough that we meet as strangers
I can't set you free
So will you turn your back forever on
what you mean to me?"

Don't Answer Me -Alan Parsons Project 
That was the question. Would you turn your back on me forever. Would you refuse me entrance into your heart. So I did what every good soldier does, I asked the Magic 8 Ball for advice. It told me that it wasn't yet time to give up and that though the future was unclear it was worth pursuing you.

There have been moments in which I have been down about it. Times in which I decried my own stubborn stupidity but there have also been moments of hope. Times in which the silence answered the question of whether to keep going. The heart wants what it wants and it can't always be denied.

"If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.
Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things that you've done,"
Don't Stop- Fleetwood Mac

Can't say for certain what will happen or when. Can't say without a doubt that the day will come when you'll look up into my eyes again. But I can say that I am optimistic and that my heart does believe that the magic hasn't left.

All I need is a little time and a small opening. A little window to wriggle through and then we'll find out the truth of the matter.

"And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
As if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows"

And So It Goes- Billy Joel

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