March 24, 2010

Hump Day Notes

"And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make."
The End- The Beatles

"This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free"
The End- The Doors

A million thoughts and ideas are flowing through my mind. There are an endless number of projects and things to do that are fighting for space alongside the impending end for grandma. I find myself a mix of bemused and bewildered with an extra dose of grumpiness.

Last night I watched LOST and wondered what would happen if I were to walk around the island. It is a television show so this is nothing but the foolish speculation of a man who is putting off running some errands. But as I watched the show unfold I wondered if I walked the hills would  I find my dead waiting for me.

It is not an uncommon thought or theme. There have been many stories in which the hero encounters their dead. Sometimes they are loved ones and sometimes they are not. Oftentimes the dead bear messages that can help or hinder the hero.

So I sit for a moment and wonder who would I see and what would they say. Would it be praise or criticism? Would it matter, have I ever paid attention to it. I suppose that it is fair to say that I have acknowledged it, that I have noticed when it has come or not come.

But at the same time I have a history of doing as I will, so what does it matter.

My son is well aware of the situation involving his great grandmother. He knows that she isn't going to make it and has asked a few questions. I have begun thinking about how to address this and what to do.The docs don't think that it will be long, but no one really knows. Could be a few days or a week or two.

What sort of prep work do I do if any and how do I tailor it so that both of the kids are covered.

And I sit here wondering about myself. What else do I want to say to grandma, if anything. I told her that I loved her and I may tell her again. But she is really out of it, so much of this comes back to what is important to me. What do I need to do to feel good about this? Not real sure yet, but I'll figure it out.

And now, on to the next post.


One Wink at a Time said...

I think you did what was important for you, to assure her that you love her. And somehow I have no doubt that you've already done everything else that was necessary everyday of your life up to now by being a wonderful grandson.

Jack said...

Thank you.