January 13, 2010

A True Test of Character

Boys of Summer Don Henley
The Way It Is- Bruce Hornsby
Right Now- Van Halen

Sometimes music sets the tone for these posts. It drives me, pushes me to stretch a bit further than I might otherwise go. The rules of the blog are simple, brutal and unrelenting honesty. Not for you, but for me. These introspective posts bore the hell out of many.Too long and too much for some.

I don't care.I write them for me. An exercise in narcissism that yields immediate benefits. The words are both a release and an escape. The vent that I use to see that I don't explode in pain, anger and frustration.

2010 is still the year of Jack, but it is slow in coming.I am not shocked or surprised that the demons of the past continue to haunt me. The exorcism doesn't mean that the echoes of days gone by don't still come to visit.

Life is a series of events that you deal with. It is a funny thing, that expression, "deal with it." It sounds harsh and unforgiving, but that isn't always the case. You deal with normal things on a regular basis, eating, drinking, bathing etc.  If you are lucky these are always things that are easy to deal with.

This week I have spent more time staring in the mirror. It is not a real mirror, but the one I see in my mind's eye. The reflection isn't as awful as it could be, but it is not pretty. I am a photogenic guy, but I have grown to dislike virtually every picture of myself. I have been quite successful, but have come to have exceptional doubt in my abilities.

This week I wrote about the battle regarding private school and the pain that it is causing me. But I haven't shared all that hurts.I haven't spoken about some things because there are some things that are still too private and perhaps too painful to lay out for display.

Behind Blue Eyes- The Who
The Hungry Wolf- X
Join Together- The Who
Hard To Handle- Otis Redding
The Gambler- Kenny Rogers
"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, know when to run"
Oh yes, I just quoted Kenny Rogers. Call it cliche, call it hokey, I don't care. These words make sense to me and sometimes that is all you need. Sometimes when life has been challenging all it takes is that one line, song or whatever for you to hang your hat on.

Not wearing a ten gallon or a sombrero, just a baseball cap. It is almost always backwards upon my head. Periodically people tell me that I am too old to wear it that way, but I don't care. I didn't ask them for their opinion, they just gave it.

Sometimes people are more fun than a barrel full of monkeys. Speaking of people the hardest part of all of this is trying to figure out what is best for the children. That is where I spend most of my time, wondering about what is best for them.

It is part of the deal that comes with being a parent, you put them first. That is not to say that there aren't times when you scratch your head and try to figure out how to balance it all. There are limits and it is important to try to determine where those lines are. At what point do you shift to your interests.

Side note: If you notice the change in tone and tenor you can blame it upon several interruptions. Life intrudes and until I become ridiculously wealthy or am paid to blog I must serve more than one master. Second side note, one of the many projects I am working on served as one interruption.

End result is that good things are coming from that. The problems and challenges are not solved, but they are a bit better than before. 2010-The Year of Jack.

No comments: