January 20, 2010

Lightning Strikes Twice

One more for Fragments of Fiction:

"No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
My words will warm and calm you

Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I'm here, with you, beside you
To guard you and to guide you"
All I Ask of You- Phantom of the Opera

"You sheltered me from harm, kept me warm, kept me warm
You gave my life to me, set me free, set me free
The finest years I ever knew, were all the years I had with you
Chorus:
I would give anything I own, give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own, just to have you back again
You taught me how to laugh, what it solved, what it solved
You never said too much, but still you showed the way
And I knew from watching you
Nobody else could ever know, the part of me that can't let go"
Everything I Own- Bread

The stormy weather matches my mood. It fluctuates between pensive and irritated. Flashes of light streak across the sky followed by deep booming noises. It reminds me of places past and present. Twenty-five years ago I walked down the streets of Jerusalem and watched a soldier react to the sound of dynamite exploding.

He threw my friend upon the ground and brought his weapon to his shoulder, eyes scanning the highway for signs of danger.

Seventeen years ago violent shaking woke me from a restless slumber. Women and children screamed, car alarms shrieked, glass broke and the earth issued this incredible rumble. For a moment I feared that I would be thrown from my bed and then the moment had passed.

You are out there somewhere. You were always out there. When I walked those streets of Jerusalem and made plans to leave America you were living your life elsewhere. And again you were there when the earth shook and I wondered if this was the moment when the ground would open up and swallow my home.

There has never been a time or moment that you weren't there. Only moments of ignorance and lack of awareness. You weren't on my radar or a gleam in my eyes. Perhaps you were a dream that I never wanted to believe in. A dream because I didn't believe that someone like you was out there.

It is funny in an odd sort of way. I can hear you telling me that you'll never forgive me for not finding you sooner. I can hear you calling my name, asking why I am silent. I tell you that I don't share my thoughts easily. I live in a world of silence because I choose to be silent. I tell you that I am shy and you laugh.

You don't believe me. You don't understand how very different you are. You don't know how many complained about my unwillingness to share. You don't know how very silent I can be. You don't know because I gave you that key. You don't know because you have always seen what others couldn't. You don't know because I celebrated being able to be so free and so open with someone.

But it is a two way street. When my door opened wide so did yours. I don't share your grace. I don't walk, I lumber. And so I lumbered on in and made myself at home. Home, that is what we were for each other. A refuge and a sanctuary that provided incredible amounts of strength. An indefatigable team who was naturally able to heal each other.

Those echoes of the future still rumble through my head. That feeling is there, the one that tells me that you are out there. Sometimes I feel you fight it and hear you cry out for logic and reason. I see the lists that you make and I know why you do what you do.

There are moments in time when I shrug my shoulders and work on accepting what is and what cannot be. It is not as hard as you might think. That guy still lives inside me. The hard ass who preferred to keep people at arm's length. He stays just beneath the surface and snickers at me. He snickers because he is convinced that in short order he'll be given free reign again.

Yet...I am not so sure that he is right. When I close my eyes I see you staring back at me. Lightning crashes and I am convinced that it can strike twice. I have that knowing smile, that crazy curvy lip you remember. The promises of the past and the echoes of the future tell me that some things aren't quite done. The whispers in the wind tell of a time coming that will give the truth of the matter.

4 comments:

john cave osborne said...

holy.

shit.

i'm not gonna pretend like i fully understood that.

i'm also not gonna pretend like i'm not coming back tomorrow to give it another crack.

you're extremely intriguing to me. about that lakers game...when it happens, will you promise to dumb it down for me? if i've not contacted you about this post by fri, remind me of that fact, will you?

Jack said...

Brother this is part of a series I call Fragments of Fiction. Just a story that I am writing.

It has elements of my life as well as friends and family.

I am just trying to get where you are, that is, a published author.

bernthis said...

the thing with you Jack is I want to know who the hell you are referring to but then I don't. I love that you don't give it all away

Jack said...

I want to know who the hell you are referring to

It is just a story. ;)