Music is a constant theme in my life. Songs remind me of good times and bad. Lyrics speak to me and I find myself lost in thoughts about things that once were or could be. Sometimes a song will capture my attention for reasons that are not immediately apparent to me.
I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas did that to me. I think that the first time I heard it was inside a Best Buy. Not unlike many people I did a double take when I heard them sing "Mazal Tov" and "L'Chaim." It was not such a big deal but unexpected.
Later on when I got home I pulled it up on Youtube and watched it. The kids were supposed to asleep, the operative term being "supposed to be." I shortly found out otherwise. Midway through the video I heard giggling behind me and found the dark haired beauty standing there. That little girl of mine managed to sneak up on me. She thought that it was funny to see everyone jumping around and told me that the grown ups were "silly."
I scooped her up in my arms and carried her back to bed. She stared at me and told me that she was a big girl and I told her that she was right. As I got ready to leave she asked me to sit next to her bed for a moment. So I plopped down next to her bed and sat with her.
She reached out and took my hand and I smiled. We sat in silence in the dark and I remembered how not so very long ago she could only hold one of my fingers and now she could hold most of my hand. Unless something amazing happens my hand will always dwarf hers, but one day she really will be big.
My thoughts drifted back to the video and I thought about what I had seen. I remember going to parties like they showed on the video. I remember going to clubs in Hollywood and roaming the bars with the boys. It feels like it was a lifetime ago and I am ok with that.
But what threw me was thinking about how one day the big girl lying next to me was going to be doing that. I have written about this a million times, but it is so surreal to realize that these children will become big people.
When people ask me what scares me about being a parent I always tell them that I am most afraid of my children being like me. I had a good head on my shoulders, but I did some really stupid things. It is dumb luck that prevented me from getting into real trouble.
Don't misunderstand, I still worry about the normal stuff we all fear. But the bogie man in my head is tied directly into momentary lapses of judgment. It is getting into a car with someone who had one drink too many or jumping off the roof into the swimming pool.
We'll do our best to teach them how to avoid trouble and what to do if they find themselves in bad situations. After that we have to hold our breath and hope that it all works out. Fortunately I have a few years before I have to worry about those things, but there are moments when I can't help but wonder.