February 06, 2009

Jack's State of The Union

The funny thing is that as I began writing this post Springsteen began singing Hungry Heart. Ok, it started playing on iTunes. Of course as I looked for it on YouTube I stumbled onto Bruce and U2 performing I Still Haven't Found What I am Looking For.

On a side note I still like the "official" video for the song. Joshua Tree is one of my favorite albums.

Excuse me while I take a moment to listen to the songs.

"Got a wife and kids in baltimore Jack
I went out for a ride and I never went back
Like a river that dont know where its flowing
I took a wrong turn and I just kept going"
Hungry Heart

"I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing fingertips
It burned like a fire
This burning desire
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for"
I Still Haven't Found What I am Looking For

Ok, I am back and ready to dive into the meat of the post, Jack's State of the Union. I feel stateless, restless, frustrated and unfulfilled. If I wanted to I could give you a very detailed list of all of the reasons why, but at the moment I don't have the desire.

Or maybe it is not lack of desire, maybe it is because I don't want to see the list. I don't want to see all of the challenges presented in black and white. It is a kind of mental masturbation to pretend that they don't exist, but for now I can accept it.

Someone once asked me if I was too stubborn or too stupid to know when to quit. It is a valid question and so was my response. I grabbed him by the back of his pants and his neck and defenestrated him. Funny how much better I felt afterwards.

Ok, I didn't really throw him through the window. I didn't even think about it. I will admit to wondering how he'd feel if I took my size 12 boot to his ass. Would it have provided the proper attitude adjustment or would it have exacerbated the situation. Can't say, don't know. It happened years ago.

What I do know is that there is some truth to what he said. I am stubbon. I don't turn aside from the path or surrender very easily. There is huge can of fight inside of me. What I know is that for a short while I have felt like I have traveled back in time. I haven't felt this confused since junior high.

There is a lot going on and quite a few things are in flux. It is not that I can't deal with it, I can. But it is a major pain-in-the-ass. I want to do a little planning for the future, but circumstances are preventing that from happening.

Intellectually speaking I know that I will get through this time. I'll get through and look back at this as just another brief chapter in my life. But that doesn't necessarily provide that much comfort.

If you poured gasoline over my head and set me on fire I'd saay the same thing. I'll be ok and I'll get through it. Big difference is that now when I say that my hair is on fire it is a pleasant euphemism for being a little stressed out.

FYI, self immolation is not something that excites me. Immolation in general is not something that I view as a pleasant experience. In fact being burned alive is on my list of the top ten ways that I do not want to die.

So where are we now, oh yes, we are at the point where I run my fingers through my hair and sigh...loudly.

Some of this craziness is tied into turning 40. I admit it. I am bothered by it. Didn't think that I would be, but I am. I keep looking in the mirror and trying to figure out who is looking back at me. I lie in bed and wonder how it got to this point. I never imagined that my life would look like this.

This could be an incredible year. It could really turn into something special. I have my fingers in a number of things that could pan out exceptionally well. But it could go the other direction too.

I feel like I fell out of the frying pan and into the fire. That's me dancing between the flames. That's me running in circles. That's me laughing because it is all so ridiculous.

It is a sort of cryptic post, I know. I am sitting at my desk with a sort of rueful grin. Sometimes the hardest part of it all is accepting how little control I have over so many things that impact my life. That is not any different than most people.

So here I am, in my own oval office. Here I am looking out the window at the rain clouds. As I turned to look the rain stopped. I am going to take that as a symbol that things are about to get better.

Why shouldn't they. I am actively working on making the changes happen. I am just a bit impatient. So, I suppose that you could say that the state of my union is strong, but muddled. The state of my union is a bit unclear, but the future is bright.

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