December 08, 2008

Dear Santa Take a Memo

So you might be wondering what the Jewish kid is doing writing Santa a letter. I know that I would be, but since I am the one writing the letter I know what is coming. Ok, scratch that, I write from the hip, or is that shoot from the hip. Whatever. All I know is that I am the guy who can say and do anything. But as a side note just because I can doesn't mean that I will.

Alright, now that we got that out of the way let's try to dig into the meat of the matter, or in this case the meet of the matter. Santa and I have a funny relationship. A couple of years ago I was described by another blogger as being a suicidal Santa Claus. And it is true that I did wish death upon Santa not to mention that I once beat him up.

There are any number of reasons why I just don't like the guy. Perhaps it is because I associate Santa with guys like this one, not to mention that I still hate the holiday season. So here I am Santa, forced to deal with you again. A couple of years ago I had a conversation with the big kid about you. I had thought that it was kind of a one time deal. I explain that you are fake and that would be the end of it.

Apparently I was wrong. You see I got to have this conversation again last night. It seems that the dark haired beauty and her big brother got into a long discussion about who you are. She may be four, but she really doesn't miss a beat. She told her brother that not all Santas are fat and that means that they play tricks on kids. Her brother told her that all you Santas are fake and she got angry.

The little one put her hands on her hips and started lecturing me about grownups being mean to kids. She thinks that you are rude and inappropriate...Santa. You might think that it is strange that a four year-old would use that sort of terminology, but apparently she can be a good mimic. If nothing else she has learned the art of the female look of death accompanied by eyerolling, sighs and all sorts of hand waving.

I was ordered to make you stop being mean to kids. You aren't allowed to fool them any longer. She wants you to go away so that kids know that their grownups are giving them gifts. I tried to explain to her that it is ok for other kids to believe in Santa and that she doesn't have to worry about it. But apparently she has decided that among my many roles I am also the official protector of children. I was instructed to punch you in the nose, kick you in the butt and then push you out the door.

Santa, you are getting off easy because if she was familiar with eye gouging, fish hooking and the fine art of getting kicked in the crotch she would have insisted upon those as well. So dear Santa, I tried to get you off. I did my best to convince her to just let it go, but you know how women can be, especially when they are tired and hungry.

So my advice to you is to start running because if she sees you I am going to be ordered to go Muhammad Ali on your noggin.

Have a nice holiday season.

Best Regards,

Jack

4 comments:

shira0607 said...

LOL. You should send it to Macy's.

Miriam L said...

Watcha gonna do to the Tooth Fairy?

Krystal said...

Heck, the tooth fairy is univeral (methinks) what is she going to say about the easter bunny - now that is one I never understood!

Way too funny!!! You're little girl has got spunk!

Jack said...

Shira,

I just might.

Miriam,

Knock out all of her teeth.

Krystal,

I don't think my daughter has ever heard of the easter bunny, so for now the rabbit is safe.