May 05, 2008

Life Has Its Moments

"It ought to be easy ought to be simple enough
Man meets woman and they fall in love
But the house is haunted and the ride gets rough
And youve got to learn to live with what you cant rise above if you want to ride on down in through this tunnel of love."
Tunnel of Love- Bruce Springsteen
Earlier today I was asked how things are going and I answered "Life has its moments." If you speak Jack you know that it is my way of saying that things could be better. It is a non descriptive way of my saying that I am unhappy with some of the things that are going on around me.

Saturday night someone asked me if I had ever read a blog. I laughed and told them that I had been blogging for four years. This led to right into the "I'd like to see your blog" and "why do you do it" conversation that I have had more than a few times.

I told her that at the moment my blogging was being done in relative anonymity and that for now I'd prefer to keep it that way and that my anonymity allowed me to share thoughts and feelings that I wouldn't normally do otherwise.

She asked me if I thought that it would be easier to let my friends/loved ones know about it because then they could gain a better understanding of what is happening in my life, why I might be feeling a certain way and in turn be more supportive of me.

What I wanted to say was that I don't want to open up any more than I have. Some of the more unsavory characters have already tried to use my words against me. There have been more than a couple of moments in which I exposed the soft underbelly and was rewarded with a boot or jabbed with a stick.

And the contradiction I call Jack keeps coming. Anger the beast and you get the horns. Do him wrong and he will NEVER forget. There is a laundry list that lives inside his head of those who have harmed him and a day of reckoning.

And then there is the quiet laughter. What do I care. What does it matter. Flip through the book and you see a guy who is just trying to figure it all out. Sometimes I know exactly who I am and where I am going and sometimes I don't.

Sometimes the scars of the past and the fear of being hurt again hold me back. Sometimes I scream. Sometimes I yell in defiance at those who stand in my way.

Have you figured out that I think very graphically. I won't call for Rapunzel to let down her hair. I will pull the whole fucking castle down and pluck her out before she hits the ground.

The test of a man is not measured in days, but over his life. I continue to make mistakes, but I keep coming. I do what I do because I don't know how to be otherwise. All I can do is be me.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

i dont think i could agree more. You have just put many people's thoughts and life descriptions into words... words they (or I) have never been quite able to pinpoint nearly as well as you just did.

thank you

Jack said...

Thanks.

V-Grrrl said...

I haven't yet decided whether I'm a wise woman or a fool for baring my soul.

Lately I've been in retreat, but it hasn't brought me peace or a sense of safety as I expected it would.

Jack said...

You need to go to a retreat. ;)