May 15, 2008

The Aftermath of my Birthday- A New Deal

"Action speaks louder than words
And I'm a man of great experience
I know you got another man
But I can love you better than him
Take my hand, don't be afraid
I'm gonna prove every word I say
I'm advertisin' love for free
So, you can place your ad with me"
Hard To Handle- Otis Redding
My name is Jack. I am 39 years-old but I think of myself as being much younger. I look at people who are around my age and sometimes I find myself thinking that they look old. Sometimes I think that they look middle aged. And now in the wake of my birthday I wonder if they say the same about me.

I can't say that I care all that much. I haven't any critics who are tougher on me, than me. When it comes to beating myself up it is fair to say that I have a golden glove. Most of the time I am good about it, but every now and then I struggle.

I struggle because at 39 I feel like I should have more to show for myself than I do. I feel like that I have fallen short of the mark. I look at this blog and see so many posts that I like. I think that in some areas I have really done a pretty good job and then I come across some stuff that makes me ill. What the hell was I thinking.

As I sit here writing I find myself censoring my words like I never have. The pure posts where I poured out my soul become fewer and fewer. Those moments where I was most honest are harder to share. In my frustration I find that I take refuge by not saying what I once would.

Deep connections have been broken. Some have been forged anew and are stronger than they ever were and some are forever broken. Some who read these words will falsely assume that I am referring to them and others will not even be aware. I won't tell them. I won't open the door.

As I muddle through this strange period of time I am quite conscious of the things that are happening around me. Change is in the air. The coming year is going to be filled with it. I fear and welcome change. The fear is simple. I can't help but wonder if the change is going to make things harder. Will it hurt, what will the consequences of those actions be.

At the same time I celebrate it. I remind myself that change is an opportunity. So I try to take a deep breath and just roll with things, but it is not always easy.

And now for a confession, I didn't expect to receive any gifts for my birthday and wasn't real pleased with those I did. I know, it is petty. It is juvenile, but this year it rubbed me the wrong way.

And now on to another post.

2 comments:

susanne said...

Happy belated, Jack. Here's to a better things this year!

Jack said...

Thanks. Things can go either way, but I am going to push really fricking hard to see them go the right way.