December 17, 2005

Did I Really Write/Say That

I decided that I am going to try and produce a post that recaps the blogging that I have done in 2005. It is a monster project and I have been at a bit of a loss as to the best way to undertake it.

If I had the time I would determine how many posts I produced and then provide a breakdown of how many were personal/political etc. However I just don't have the time nor the energy to go through it all.

So I decided that I would make this a roundup of posts from each month. It is likely going to be a huge post, one of the larger compilations so I suspect that it really will be read by the diehard readers and myself. That is not a bad thing, I blog for myself first and everyone else afterwards.

Thus far it has been an interesting experience to look back and see where my thoughts were and get a sense of what sorts of thing interested me. But the thing that kills me the most is looking back at some of the things I said because so much of this is just so raw.

I really have spoken about some of the deeper and darker places and at the same time some of the content is so very superficial. I have to just shake my head and wonder. At the same time I swore that I would be brutally honest with myself and part and parcel of doing that is writing about my thoughts.

It hasn't always been easy. There are readers here who are uninvited and who have been doing their damndest to make life less comfortable for me. But I am not someone that is intimidated and I will tell you to go fuck yourself without any hesitation. So those of you who think that you can take my words out of context and try to hurt me with me haven't a fucking clue as to what I am about.

This blog shows many things about me. And in my estimation it shows that I am a human being. I have my share of strengths and weaknesses. I have done things that make me exceptionally proud and I have my share of regrets. I can be embarrassed but really the only person who can do it is myself. I have no tougher critic than myself. There is no one who make me feel as dumb and stupid as I can.

At the same time I feel very good about myself because I am well acquainted with who I am and how many blessings I have. There are so many good things. There are so many people who have harder lives and have harder lives than myself.

But at the same time I have known heartbreak. I have had experiences in which I have felt forlorn and lost. I know what it is like to stare at blue skies and to hear laughter and feel like I have lost touch with my ability to enjoy it. I know what it feels like to feel like a black cloud is perpetually hanging over me.

Maybe my ego is such that I cannot truly admit/understand that things are rough or maybe I really am a hardass who doesn't know how to give up. At the moment I really don't care what the reason is and sometimes the moment is more important than the future.

Sometimes all you can do is live in the moment and worry about the future later. What I know more than anything else is that there is no greater feeling than watching my children play together.

They fight to gain possession of my lap. They push and pull so that only one of them can sit in my lap and spend time with me. I always make it clear that there is room for both of them because I love them equally, but I haven't any problem admitting that I am happy that they fight this way. It is not all that much of a fight and it is clear to me that they love each other and that is the most important thing.

My son may tease my daughter but if anyone outside of the family does so he goes after them with a vengeance.

Anyway, I am working on this recap. It will become a snapshot of my life/thoughts/feelings for 2005. I wonder what I will learn from it.

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