"...You are neither funny, nor wise. The person who asked if your wife is aware of your sexual history was right to chastise you. People like you are part of the moral decline within the U.S....."My friend, you warm the cockles of my heart. Of course someone as uptight as you might be offended by the use of the word "cockles." I'd like to help you out and suggest that you review the following link which will provide further elucidation on what a cockle is or is not.
Alternatively my grandfather would be happy to sing to you about sweet Molly Malone and her fascination with cockles and mussels.
Incidentally, my grandfather is almost 91 and has a standing challenge to go three rounds with any man 95 or older. If you fit the bill I would be happy to set up the fight, I take 40% of the gate.
And if you are a younger man might I suggest finding a companion who can warm your own cockles. A good stroking, scrubbing or sucking might help to alleviate the discomfort you seem to be in. And if nothing else might I suggest you have a High Colonic to help remove the object stuck in your derriere as it is troubling you.
Toodles, or should I say toot, toot,
<Singing cockles and mussels alive, alive-o.>