February 07, 2005

Slip Sliding Away

I paid some bills tonight. It was unpleasant. It was unpleasant because I was late on a bunch of them and I could have sworn that I had already paid them. It makes me wonder if someone replaced my brain with a cantaloupe, a mushy cantaloupe.

It could happen, you don't know. I once read about this guy who lost his arm, lower lip and a kidney. He was staying in Vegas and woke up in a hotel room minus these parts of his body. I know that this is true because I read about it in a magazine I found at a bus station. There was some other information in there that was interesting, but I can't remember what.

Does anyone remember the last few pages of comic books? There were offers for real live sea monkeys, all sorts of other neat toys and the chance to work for Grit magazine where you could earn all sorts of cool stuff.

An ex-girlfriend once asked me how I obtained such an active imagination. I jokingly replied that it allowed me to find her attractive. Wonder why she is an ex. Probably because she was so uptight, or maybe it was that girdle she wore, I am not sure anymore. That is the problem with cantaloupe head.

I like melons, all kinds of melons. When they are ripe it is just a pleasant diversion. Speaking of melons, I have been to Hooters about four or five times. Most of the times were because I was entertaining clients. The food wasn't especially good and the scenery wasn't that exciting either.

One of my clients asked for fresh melons and received a cold shower. Funny how that waitress suddenly lost control of the water jug she was holding.

That same client caused numerous problems for me. We were in Las Vegas at The World of Concrete tradeshow. Yes Virigina, there really is a World of Concrete tradeshow, follow the link. Old Jack used to sell diamond tools that were used to cut concrete.

This fellow told me that if I took care of his needs he would take care of mine. His words, not mine. He was from Alabama. I told him that if he headed out to LA and used that expression he could certainly find a man to help him and then suggested that back in Alabama that same expression might be the precursor to an unpleasant experience.

He laughed and said "Jack, I am one of the largest dealers in Alabama. If you find me a woman I'll be happy to spend my money with you."

I was not the cool customer that I am today and blurted out "doesn't your wife still give head." Which makes me wonder if perhaps my brain wasn't exchanged for a cantaloupe many years ago. Fortunately he laughed, patted me on the back and told me that he liked tall brunettes who were easy. I laughed in return and told him that I was tall and brunette and most definitely easy.

Than I reminded him that this was the second questionable comment in less than ten minutes and suggested that I should be careful to remember to lock my hotel door.

Suddenly he was serious and reiterated his terms for business. So I told him that I had failed pimp school and that I didn't care whether he used a cantaloupe and a centerfold or the famous Alabama sheep, but I wasn't going to pay for him to be serviced.

Hell, I wasn't going to pay for me to be serviced, why would I take care of this oaf.

Needless to say he was less than pleased with my response and as he skulked away I was careful not to step in the slime trail that followed his passage,

It has been about a week since I received my last note from my pal, the person who unblogrolled me. If you read this you should know that I have become concerned about this lack of contact and somewhat lonely. If you write me, I can promise to have you serviced, by a guy from Alabama. All you need to do is be understanding and appreciate the finer points of a briggs and stratton motor.

Almost midnight, the witching hour approaches and this old man needs to take his tired butt to bed. I am so shot that I wrote tried instead of tired. For those who are interested, my butt has not been tried, at least not that I am aware of. I am not sure what that means, but thinking about Alabama man has got me squirming. If anything my butt is used, but it has been well taken care of and I am confident that the blue book on it would show that it has retained it's value over time.

And while it has been kicked, pinched and prodded it does not have an tire tracks, boot prints, hand prints, staples, or any other signs of wear and tear.

Fatigue is a great drug. I just finished writing about my ass and can't stop chuckling. It is so stupid that it is funny. I have a very deep belly laugh. My whole body shakes, when I laugh my whole body is involved. Sometimes instead of going to the gym to exercise I just laugh. It is exhausting and a lot of fun, but I don't think that the other people on the subway appreciate it. It is however a good way to get your own seat in a croweded car.

5 comments:

Stacey said...

"Does anyone remember the last few pages of comic books? There were offers for real live sea monkeys"

I always wanted to buy these. Were they relatives of yours?

vince millay said...

This post rocked.

Jack's Shack said...

I always wanted to buy these. Were they relatives of yours?

Yes, they are part of the family from cleveland.

The Misanthrope said...

Jack, the sad part about being normal and forgetting to pay a bill on time is that your credit card companies may decide you have become a risk and raise your interest rates, if your card is not paid off monthly.

Corporations don't allow for human error, except when it is to their benefit.

Jack's Shack said...

Corporations don't allow for human error, except when it is to their benefitThat seems to be a sad trend.