January 04, 2005

The Search For Answers About Our Ourselves

One of the things that I love about blogging is the opportunity it affords to search for answers about the questions that bother me. The web is filled with similar blogs, thousands of souls like mine searching cyberspace a communal quest to find that thing or thing that provides fulfillment.

Some are looking for something to fill the empty space in their beds, some in their hearts and others are not quite sure what they are looking for, they just are.

I have had my heart broken several times. It was ripped out from behind my ribs and my chest was sown back up, devoid of the thing that made me human, or so I thought. I grew accustomed to being sad, to looking at others with a longing to just be normal again, to wonder how they could laugh and how they could still see a world full of colors.

And then one day I woke up and realized that I had lost a companion, a old familiar friend had left me. The pain that I carried with me was gone and I hadn't realized that it had left me. I no longer needed to walk around in a world of gray skies, the fog had lifted and I rejoined the world.

It was a terrible experience and like many things, I made it worse, I complicated the issues and made my own life more difficult than it had to be. But in some ways it was wonderful. It helped to teach me that I was tougher than I thought I was. My will and desire were like iron and would not break. (Can you tell that I think in very graphic terms.) I knew that if I let myself, if I gave myself permission to be happy and whole I would heal again and I did.

Since then I have been through some terrible moments, times in which I wondered why I had ever allowed myself to feel for anyone again. I considered myself a fool and there are some people out there who unfairly bore the brunt of my anger and my sorrow. But I never did fall back into the same hole that I had initially been in. I learned from each experience, added knowledge and scar tissue to my being and kept moving.

And if there is one thing that I did take from everything it was to stop beating myself up over not knowing the answers. I don't know why some things happen. I don't know why some women loved me and others could not or would not. I don't know why so many friends and acquaintances have died at such a young age. I don't like not knowing, but I don't have to know everything because sometimes you cannot. And if you allow yourself to foster unhealthy ambition for too long there are consequences.

So what I have found is that by easing back on the throttle I am a happier man and many of the answers I seek have come to me. I don't always like them or find them to be incredibly satisfying, but they are answers.

Here is what I know for certain.....Nothing and everything. I know that I have friends and family whom I would die for. I have known and know love that burns so fiercely it leaves me gasping for breath. I have experienced passion that leaves a sharp a pain in my side and a burning feeling that does not diminish with time.

What I know for certain is that I am alive. I feel it and I live it. What else can a man ask for.

8 comments:

Esther Kustanowitz said...

You are very lucky indeed if you can hold true to feeling that you are alive and keep on living it. You say, "what else could a man ask for," but truthfully, you've got a dear family which you've blogged about enamoredly (if that's even a word), so it's not really just about being alive. It's about being alive in your particular circumstances, right?

As you probably know (if you've been reading my blog), I'm in a bit of an emotionally disheveled moment these days, so forgive a single gal's cynicism.
;)

Brian said...

Jack, I've felt all these things too. This sums up what I'm feeling better than anything I've written. I'm inspired by what you wrote. Thank you.

Jack's Shack said...

Hi Esther,

I think that I am a few years older than you, sometimes there are some advantages with age. Just keep plugging away and working hard and things will fall into place. I know that it is easy for me to say, but I really believe it to be true.

Brian,

Thank you for the kind words, I appreciate it. Life really is a journey, a collection of experiences to be shared with yourself and others.

Anonymous said...

Rachel from Rachelland.blog-city.com writes:

I found solace in your words--at least someone else feels like I do. My hearts been broken so many times no amount of super glue can seem to hold it together, but I'm past the hurt and bitterness now. Sometimes I feel jealous of all the couples, but then I wonder how happy they really are. Why jump into something if it's not going to be special just to fill a void.

I wish you all the best in 2005! Rachel

Janine said...

Directed here from Brian's page.

Powerful post. Lots of food for thought. Thank you!

Grace said...

"...feeling so whole-y, god knows I was feeling alve..." Tom Waites

I was just asking for my laugh back- realized a year has passed and the loud gut laugh I am known for seems to have disappeared...will it return?
will it...it's a matter of will, huh?

so cheers to survival and may we thrive in 2005
grace,
T

annabel lee said...

How moving. I hope that I, too, will know a life so rich. I hope 2005 brings you more love, more passion, and ever-greater happiness.

SelenaJ said...

This was a great post Jack, it gives me hope that my broken heart will heal and my ski's will someday be blue again.