March 01, 2012

You Were Always There

Dear June,

Someone once told me that a woman never wants a weak man and that the last thing I should do is tell you that it hurts not to have you around.

They said I should pretend like you didn't exist and ignore you. They said that if I ignored you it would lead to the whole absence makes the heart grow fonder thing. They said that you would come looking for me and that I should be mean to you because women like men who are mean.

Well, I am a mean man and I mean that in more than one way. I am not always the nice guy. I am a jerk who has been his own biggest enemy. Don't have to look any farther than the closest mirror to see the truth of that.

But that doesn't mean that I am only a jerk or that I haven't got any good qualities because I have plenty. It is not egotistical for me to say that I know I touched you on a deeper level than any other man has. That is simple truth.

And the same goes in reverse. You found the real me and you saw what I never let anyone see.

For a while we were two souls in sync and complete. You were my air and I was yours.

Maybe I look backwards to punish myself. Maybe I blame myself for how things are now. And maybe I don't. Maybe I hold you accountable too because no relationship happens in a vacuum.

And maybe what is more important is to let the past rest. You have one and I have one. Does it matter who did what, when or how.

Well it does to a point but I am not convinced that it has to be the final arbiter of what will be. Because what we found is rare, special and unique. I am not convinced that such a thing can truly be lost or that it ever dies.

I can't tell you why I feel like this other than it is in my heart. The same heart that you stole beats hard and long. And dammit, it tells me when you are out there thinking about me.

Because you do and it is not in the I hope he is well mode that you tell yourself it is. I call bullshit. I say that you are lying to yourself about that. I say that if you pull out one of your famous lists you'll find me there.

You were always there, even when I didn't know your name, you were always there. Part of the reason we worked so well was because we broke all of the rules.

We stripped away all of the pretense and let naked souls speak. We screamed at each other because we had complete faith that we could do so and we did.

And when we did we always made up. It wasn't the kind of stormy dysfunctional relationship that you see on a soap opera. It was real. It was honest. It was authentic.

The biggest challenge we had was bad timing. Life happened to us and we got lost. When we got lost we let our fear guide us and love took a back seat.

I am always happy to be in a back seat with you but not like that.

Those people who tell me to be mean to you don't get it. They are right about a few things. You won't admit it but you hate when I ignore you. You wonder if that means that I have finally let go. Sometimes you wish that I would because it would make it easier.

But you feel comfort in the connection even if it isn't what it once was. It is not daily and direct but we still touch each other in that place.

And you know that if you needed me I would cross the ocean to be by your side again. You know that I would fight the monsters, slay the dragon and rebuild our castle.

There isn't enough uncertainty about that to make you feel otherwise and that is ok with me.

I do things differently. I take the road not taken and I walk where there is no path. Sometimes that bites me in the ass but it is the only way that I know how to live.

Don't have time or the right words to say more at this moment. Hell, I don't even know if these words are working properly. All I know is that we know more about true intimacy than most and I miss that.

I miss that trust. I miss the girl who helped me remember that life is love and that the fire doesn't have to burn you.

Can't keep this side open for long or it will wreck my reputation. So remember that I love you. Remember when I pull your pigtails and take your cookies that I have always loved you.

Probably always will...


Hah, don't tell me that you read "probably" three times and wonder why I qualified it. Hee hee, got to make you squirm a little bit now don't I. ;)

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