December 13, 2011

A Better Father

I am not the first person to say that they feel like they have been living through a bad dream nor will I be the last. But none of that changes the feelings of frustration that come from fighting ghosts, chasing shadows trying to catch the moon in a barrel.

These are things that I know aren't productive. These are things that don't lend themselves calm and serenity but for the longest time they have been a regular part of my reality. It doesn't matter if others have a harder life or more challenges because their struggles and their pain don't eliminate my own.

That doesn't preclude my feelings of gratitude for what I do have or compassion for those less fortunate because they still exist. It doesn't mean that I am unaware of the slippery slope that I stand upon either. It is because of this slippery slope that I push those things aside.

I cannot do anything but focus on securing a better foothold so that we don't get pushed over the edge of the waterfall. During the brief moments of calm and serenity I catch my breath, look around and remind myself that I have done a pretty good job of dealing with it all. I can see progress and daylight.

But that doesn't mean that I don't feel the pressure or the drive to do better, to be a better father. Because that whisper is what I hear. Be a better father. It is sort of an all inclusive thing that covers all of the areas where I feel I might be coming up short.

So I come back here to this blog where it all started and see the history of failures and success. I come home to Tara and remember who I am and what I am about and recognize that means accepting the changes that have come and embracing them.

The book that I am working on is coming along but isn't where I want it to be. I am hard on myself about this because I know that if I get it right I can make it so much more than it is. I am pushing because I see something that is good enough but I want better than good enough.

A better father doesn't settle for good enough or maybe he does. Maybe he does a better job of recognizing what battles to fight and what not to. I don't need to fight windmills or challenge the reflection in the mirror to fights that cannot be won.

Don't mistake the words that have been written here to mean that I don't love or feel comfortable at the new home because I have a deep love for that place too. It is just different than here and that is ok. It may be darkest before dawn but the damn dawn is coming and I don't need to be a better father to see it or get it.

Some days all we can do is play the hand we are dealt for one minute longer than the next guy. I can do that. I can be that better father.

Welcome to the Just Write project. It is a weekly exercise in free writing and ridding the mind of the flotsam and jetsam that sometimes collects there.

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