She is out there, my other half. Can't say what she is doing or who she is doing it with but I know that she is out there.
Her physical absence is palpable and impossible not to notice. Sometimes I turn and expect to see her standing there with that look I know so well. Sometimes I turn and wonder why those dark eyes aren't looking back at me.
I pick up the telephone and expect it to ring like it always did before. I dial the numbers and laugh because I know that she is going to say that she was about to call me. I hear the smile in her voice, except I don't do it. I don't dial.
Instead I hold the phone and close my eyes. I hold the phone, close my eyes and feel the hole and the emptiness. I hold the phone, close my eyes and wonder if that chasm is one sided and then I feel this twinge.
I feel this twinge and a silent bell rings inside my head and I know that she is thinking about me and us. I hear the bell and I know that somewhere she feels what I feel and that this is how and what it is for now.
Necessary. Lonely. Hard. Long. Rough. Required.
I close my eyes and try to center myself. I close my eyes and try to turn off the noise and focus on what is. And then just when I feel like I am truly alone I feel something touching me in a place that fingers can't reach and arms can't hold.
I close my eyes and I try to run from it. It is more intimate this touch and the feeling scares me a little. It is the place that only one has been and then I realize that the visitor is the same one who was there before.
Slowly I relax and realize that two souls have shed their bonds and found each other again. They always find each other. And for a brief moment I am completely relaxed and lost in a place that I cannot describe. Reality will intrude and I'll convince myself that I have seen/felt what I wanted to.
But later in the silence of the night I'll accept that two souls have done what the bodies and minds can't. And for a moment I'll let myself wonder if can't refers to now or forever.
She is out there and so am I.