"Kathy, I'm lost," I said, though I knew she was sleepingA while back I decided that it would be interesting to review some old posts and see if time and experiences had changed my opinion. The Search For Answers About Our Ourselves seems like an appropriate place to begin. It happens to be one of the posts that made me appreciate blogging.
I'm empty and aching and I don't know why
Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike
They've all gone to look for America."
America- Simon and Garfunkel
Five years later I have witnessed the disintegration and destruction of a bunch of marriages. Friends who appeared to be the ultimate expression of madly in love are no longer. Their relationships crumbled for a variety of reasons.
Some have fallen out of love and others have said that they never were. Some say that with age and life experiences they grew apart and realized that they had become different people. The problem wasn't that they had become different people but that they had become different people who couldn't grow/change with their husband/wife.
And so they came to the conclusion that they had irreconcilable differences.
"Tonight I'll sing my songs again,
I'll play the game and pretend.
But all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony I need someone to comfort me.
I wish I was,
Home where my thought's escaping,
Home where my music's playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.
Silently for me."
Homeward Bound- Simon & Garfunkel
As the music plays I am trying to remember where my head was when I wrote that original post and I realize how much has happened during the five years since. It feels kind of foolish to write that. Five years isn't a huge amount of time, but it is significant.
For me it feels like a lifetime ago. I have since changed careers and am doing some things professionally that I don't think I ever would have expected to be doing. It is more than fair to say that I have been pushed out of my comfort zone and that I am engaged in a struggle to make sense of some of these things.
That Homeward Bound quote has always resonated with me, especially during times like now. Moments where I am working through a transitory period and am trying to identify solutions that will work. Home doesn't have to be a physical place. It can also be a mental/emotional refuge.
I suppose that some of those things are in flux for me which is part and parcel why I feel a bit unsettled now. My own particular piece of this planet is shaking. It is moving at light speed in sort of an uncomfortable and awkward position.
Some of you are going to read this post and be bothered because it is not real fluid. There are awkward transitions and hints at things that aren't being disclosed. That is intentional. It is not being done out of laziness or for some sort of trickery.
It is a reminder that I am placing here for me so that when I come back in the future it will be easier for me to connect with these thoughts.
When I read that original post I see the man I was then and I realize that I have changed. The experiences I have had and things that I have seen since then have made me more cynical. The edges are rougher and less polished.
I still have a habit of beating myself up for some things. I am still my worst critic, but that is to be expected. In any case it is time to stop rambling. I'll end this the same way that I ended the other.
"Here is what I know for certain.....Nothing and everything. I know that I have friends and family whom I would die for. I have known and know love that burns so fiercely it leaves me gasping for breath. I have experienced passion that leaves a sharp a pain in my side and a burning feeling that does not diminish with time.
What I know for certain is that I am alive. I feel it and I live it. What else can a man ask for."