December 28, 2009

I Seek Balance-

I just wrote a letter that was filled with venom and bile. It was an outstanding letter that eviscerated someone. And had I sent it there is no way that the recipient would have misunderstood me. They would have known that I feel betrayed. They would have known that I am beyond angry, hurt and confused.

At least I think that they would have. The person I thought that they were would have known these things. They would have recognized it for what it was. But you can't take the spoken or written word back. And once they escape you haven't any idea what will happen or where they will go.

So consider this my moment to catch my breath. I am still hurt. I am still angry and confused. None of this makes sense to me, but then again that describes much of this. Can't be more specific than that, or should I say that I won't.

Almost twenty five years ago a dear friend asked me for my advice on when to cut someone off. He wanted to know at what point do you decide that someone isn't worth keeping around. How do you determine that they take more than they give.

I can't tell you exactly what I said because I don't remember, too much time has passed. But it wasn't the last time that the topic has come up. I have had reason to think about it on more than one occasion. I'd like to say that it was always in reference to someone else, but that is not true.

That is the beauty of life. Many of the situations you see your friends go through are the same that you deal with. Sometimes you can advise them because you have been through it and sometimes you ask them for help because you are following them into the pit.

So here I am, not quite as upset as when I began writing this but still angry. Been trying to analyze this situation and figure out which way is up. It is entirely possible that this is nothing more than a misunderstanding.

I won't flip out over a misunderstanding. I'll take some time to consider this from all angles and try to decide what to do. I am torn by it. If this really happened then I have some serious thinking to do.

Sometimes life is far more complicated than it should be. Really, why can't it be simple. Yes, no, black, white etc.

It is well after 1 am and I think it is time to end this. I am wide awake, but I can't sit at the computer any longer. That first letter took the edge off and I think that I want to let this sit for a while. Let's see what the morning brings.

2010- The Year of Jack is coming soon.

1 comment:

shavuatov said...

2010 is The Year of Rachel, actually!

Joking aside, I've been there with the letter that doesn't get sent, the person you want to/ought to cut away from, if only to save your own sanity. But life is rarely that cut and dried. I've only done it once, with an ex-partner. I don't want to have to do it again. Right now, I have people in my life that I choose to. It feels good.

I'll share 2010 with you if you play nice ;-)

rachel