August 28, 2009

Life Is Overwhelming Me

Yes it is true, even the mighty Jack has moments of doubt and pain in which he feels that life is completely overwhelming. So much is going on that my head is spinning. I suppose that the good news is that this proves that my brain was not replaced my a melon, but is actually still located inside my skull.

Hooray for small favors or small wonders, I can't remember which.

Ok, Jack, you can't begin a post with that kind of introduction without providing an explanation for what is going on. And you can't really keep speaking about yourself in the third person unless you are Ricky Henderson or riding the subway.

So let's take a moment to try and take stock of what is going on and why my head feels like it is going to explode. You could say that some of this is part of the pseudo-mid life crisis I am in the middle of. It is a good place to start.

I feel trapped and angry about a number of things and no I am not going to list them all here. Thanks to the lack of complete anonymity I am not real comfortable displaying all of these things. When this place was populated by complete strangers it was easy to let it all hang out, but at the moment that is not the case.

There are unwanted visitors who frequent this joint. You know who you are. I don't understand why you are here or what you hope to accomplish. You are emotional vampires who make yourself feel better by feeding off of the pain of others. But I know your game and I know that in the dark corners of your little mind you are scared and insecure.

So if it makes you feel better to feed off of my distress, feel free. The difference is that even though I am torked I know that I will come out the other side. It is not a question of if, but of when. What did Churchill say, "If you're going through hell, keep going."

That is what I am doing. And because I am an ornery cuss and a glutton for punishment if I happen to stumble into the devil I will tweak his nose, poke him in the eyes and kick him in the ass. And if he happens to drop that pitchfork I will snatch it up and insert it into his ass pointy end first right up to the handle.

Yep, I am frustrated. I am angry and I am feeling crazed because there is so much going on that it is hard to catch my breath.

If I were advising my children on how to deal with this I'd tell the to break it up into bite size pieces. But since I rarely follow my own advice it doesn't matter. Ok, that is not true, I am breaking it up into little pieces. But it is taking a toll and I am a bit low on energy.

Part of the problem is that I had to suspend my gym membership. I used to expend all of my stress on the court. Three or four nights of basketball did wonders for my sanity. But given the economy and two kids in private school it made sense to give it up for a while.

I found a couple of new pick up games to play in, but they have challenges of their own. They all take place outdoors, on cement and my forty-year-old body doesn't like that very much. It is not that I can't play, but that I have to be more conscious of the pounding that my back and my knees take.

I want to be able to keep playing for years to come so I can't completely ignore the aches and pains that come from playing on the concrete. And it frustrates me to no end to have to limit my game because of this. I don't feel old. I see these twenty somethings and I can still run with them. Strength wise there are very few who can out do me, I haven't lost it there.

But the speed isn't what it once was and more importantly the elasticity of the joints and the resiliency is lacking. I don't recover like I used to. I keep trying to, but I can only fight time for so long.

It brings me back to where I was. If I can't relieve stress the same way than I have to find a good alternative and I am searching for it.

Writing always used to be a great complement to the basketball, but lately that hasn't worked as well. The words don't just fly off of the keyboard anymore. They feel stilted and awkward and that has stifled me a bit.

But I am working on it.

I suspect that part of it is due to the number of places that I am writing now. I am writing in a few places under my real name. Part of that is great and freeing, but it takes some of the energy I have for here.

The boys and I are leaning upon each other. A couple of them are in the midst of getting divorced. I do a lot of listening. I get a lot earfuls of their stuff. I don't mind as long as they can occasionally listen to my own.

But it all adds up.

Did I mention that the stress of getting the kids into back to school mode is another nightmare. So much freaking work. It shouldn't be this complicated, but there is just so much to do. I graduated from college last century, several presidents ago. Been working for years, but I still hate to see summer end.

Got to break out of this rut. Think that I am going to go grab my kettlebell and exercise for a bit. See you in a bit.
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Mark said...

Hang in there, this is a time of change and with all change comes moments where we can feel overwhelmed. Remember all is as it should be and that in the midst of all that is in turmoil there is a lesson to be learned.

Jack said...

Hi Mark,

Oh I am hanging in. Just venting a little bit.

HiDesertBob said...

Great writing. It's all so believable!
Here's my pitch. Since you have children [meaning that you're not just a kid anymore with a head full of silly dreams] you've learned to survive and that's just wonderful.
I like your writing alot!
Best wishes.

Jack said...

Hi Bob,

Thank you. The kids make all the difference. They have their role in the craziness, but they enrich our lives far more and we are better for it.