For the past three days or so I have been meaning to write this post, or at least try to write it. It hasn't happened for a variety of reasons. A little thing called life has prevented me from getting into it.
Family and work obligations and chores around the house have all conspired against me and the blog. Responsibilities and major questions have been dogging me, nipping at my heels and forcing me to confront challenges that I had been putting off.
I hadn't avoided them because of fear but because the smart way to do things is to see that you have laid the groundwork and prepared for whatever you are taking on. Yet I hate having things hang over me. I feel the weight of these decisions dragging me down. It is like a thousand hands pulling on whatever part of my body they can grab, yanking and tugging on me.
So I try to shrug them off. At first it is kind of a gentle shrug, but as I grow more agitated the shrugging grows more forceful. The vein on my forehead juts out, a sign to those who know me that now is the not the time to fight with me.
Don't Give Up- Willie Nelson & Sinead O'Connor
I love that song for a lot of reasons, the lyrics speak to me. The opening fits with my mood and my thoughts nicely:
"In this proud land we grew up strongThe fighter inside never quits. It doesn't matter how many shots to the head or body blows he takes, he keeps moving, keeps fighting. Tenacity and determination and a fire that never stops burning keep pushing me.
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail"
But the reality is that there are moments of doubt and times when I question it all. The failure that the younger version of me feared has come, more than once now. The difference now is how I view failure. I no longer obsess about what it means.
That's one of the advantages of age and life experience. I can look at the few times where things just didn't work out and view them as battles and not as the summation of an entire war. Now I try to use those moments as lessons, a road map that can be used to avoid similar pitfalls.
If I said that I didn't care about failing it would be a lie. No one really likes it and I am no exception. It is a bitter taste that I'd sooner forget. But survival is a reminder that challenges can be overcome and that is a lesson that has value.
"No fight left or so it seemsStepping back into the muck I have no problem admitting that there have been moments where it seems that last quote is an apt description that hits closer to home than I'd like.
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
Ive changed my face, Ive changed my name
But no one wants you when you lose"
(Author's note: I probably should move that last quote and accompanying line to a different section so that post would flow better. But moving it feels wrong, because sometimes the pieces don't fit neatly.)