May 05, 2008

The Past Is The Present

I had intended to write a couple of posts on Friday but just ran out of time. I had some goofy names for them like "The Ripper Report" and "The Silverman Swallow." Those won't mean a thing to most of you, in fact they might not mean much of anything to the few who get the references.

It was an incredibly busy week. Had a death in the family to deal with, went out of town, met a few bloggers and did the normal work thing. And so I find myself awake at 2 am on a Sunday night dreading the morning. I had intended to go sleep at a normal hour, but courtesy of a bad case of the stomach blues I find myself awake.

Sometime during the week I'll spend some time blogging about some of these events. There are things that need to be discussed and considered, but some of that will have to wait for a moment in which I can focus on things.

I spent the weekend at my old summer camp. There was a special program that we participated in. It is the third time we have done it and a hell of a lot of fun.

It is a place that I love to be. It is a place in which I have experienced tremendous joy and even so pretty heartfelt sadness. It is hard to come up with the right words to describe it, or maybe it is the lack of sleep.

Every time I go I make sure to take a few minutes for myself. I wander over to some special places and take a moment to think about life and where it is taking me. I often look at the moon and wonder how many others are watching with me. I can feel their dark eyes staring out searching just as I search for theirs.

I like to wander through the dark and let my thoughts roam where they may. Last night I walked out the back road and headed up a hillside. Alone in the dark I sat and listened to the sounds around me. The gentle hum of the crickets and a soft breeze kept me company. It was very relaxing.

I lay back on the dirt and stared up at the sky. As I lay there I couldn't help but remember being 20 and doing the same thing. Except back then I was a heart broken kid who was desperately trying to make sense of my life. The girl I thought was the moon and the stars had left me and I couldn't understand it.

It was a rough time. I remember vowing that I would never fall in love again. It hurt too much. I couldn't conceive of giving so much of myself to someone else. That empty feeling felt as if it would never go away. All I could think about was what it was like to kiss her, how amazing it was to be with someone who knew me so well. I remembered staring in her eyes and feeling like time had stopped.

And then suddenly it did. It took my breath away and for a while I locked up that piece of my heart.

But in time I let it go. In time I recognized that some vows didn't have to be made for life and accepted that it was possible to be happy and I was.

It was nice to look back and see how far I have come and to remind myself that history is a guide. The challenges I face today need not to be viewed as being so overwhelming that they cannot be overcome.

So in a way the past is the present and the future is that which I create.


Leora said...

Jack, I was wondering about you. You were posting very short posts. So I guess there was stuff going on. Sorry to hear about the death. Glad you got to see your old camp. And good luck dealing with your feelings, now and always.

V-Grrrl said...

I am a night walker to. Love to get out under a dark sky and stare at the moon.

Unpacking after a move, I've come across memorabilia from the girl I was at 14, 16, 20. Letters from the first one I loved, letters from the guy that came after that I married.

My life and heart are full these days with the past still present...I think I understand where you are...

Jack said...

Hi Leora,

There is an ebb and flow to my blogging. Some days I have a lot to say and others it is not all that much.


You probably do.